Field Guide to My Signs and Symptoms

- If I eat peanut butter on bread, chocolate, or jellybeans, I'm regressing back into childhood.

- If I hang in or around a kitchen looking dazed and increasingly anxious, I'm hungry but refuse to eat.

- If I keep saying I want to clean my room, but never do, and get a lost, confused expression on my face when you remind me, I'm depressed.

- If, when you hand me something to put away in my room or on a shelf, I stare at it for a second in bewilderment before putting it on the nearest vaguely horizontal surface (even if the right place to put it is only a few feet away), I'm really depressed.

- If I read The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, I'm zoning out and not thinking about anything.

- If I ask to bring a journal with me somewhere weird, like to watch a movie, let me. I need it.

- If I keep checking my bag, saying that I'm sure I've left my phone/iPod/wallet/keys somewhere, I'm anxious.

- If I'm staring intently at something, don't try to "snap [me] out of it." I'm perfectly conscious.

- On the other hand, if I'm staring oddly at something, my mouth slightly open and my head is swaying and my hands are sluggish, I'm having a hyponagogic hallucination. Snap me out of it, please, and don't mention it later or I'll be mortified.

- If I'm making soft punching motions with one hand into the other arm, I want to slam my arms in a door.

- If I stay up late for no reason, I'm anxious.

- If I get antsy and complain about needing a shower, I want to purge.

- If I'm drinking a lot of water, I want to escape.

- If I have bruises on my arms and legs, I'm on autopilot.