and now it's okay, because i know what is happening, what i am doing, and what i have done. but it's not quite over yet, so i suppose it's still good (depending how you look at it). in the realm of what works. numbers, no - let's forget the numbers, and please let me forget the belt that presses into me even now, because it's not me. there is a big tub of blood, brain, and nerves and muscle, and it is holding what is no longer me. but it isn't a problem. PLEASE. go. away. you aren't helping, i'm sure i would have grown to love you, but you aren't. i don't need or want you at the moment. i will in future, never fear, but they're the ones who know that phrase and not me so that must mean they're coming back because i don't know those words.
am i crazy? i haven't been crazy for a while, so i'm not quite sure how it feels. that's a lie. i know exactly how it feels. i don't exist anymore. that is nice. lovely. loneliness. i want to go back to that place. or is it back? was i ever there? it's possible, of course, i just think i was.
that's not where it was; i looked for it there, and i looked for it in the bridge of acid from my throat to my fingers to the porcelain, but it wasn't there. but i don't think it's at the bottom of a bottle either. is it buried deep in the seeds of a burst of bright blue? maybe, maybe, perhaps that's where it is. it has to be somewhere. somewhere other than here, because i don't see any doors or windows, but it must have come in through some entrance. no, let's go back and be lovely, be lovely together...
hold that thought, because it may run away from you otherwise, small animal, and the belt isn't leaving and neither is the hole. it's trying to bring me back, and i want nothing more than to leave and stay away. i like it this way. please, don't find my anchor. please, don't bring me back to earth. wide awake but not exactly and that belt just won't leave me alone. please, won't you leave just for a few years? no, this is a lie. i do exist right now. i don't need to, though. and i don't particularly want to at the moment.
NO. please leave me alone because you're just going to bring the bad things back and that's not what we need right now. please, you're not helping right now.
i tried telling him about it. the tiredness and the soreness and feeling fatter - the BEING fatter. i was scared, and i wanted him to know, but i didn't want to scare him and wanted to figure this out on my own first. but now it's okay because i'm bleeding and cramping and hurting and it's gone. it won't be back. it promised. we promised.
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